March 4, 2012

Leave It To Believer

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — geoff @ 8:41 pm

Good morning and greetings, Super Tuesday fans. Last week was a wild one, with killer tornadoes blasting through from Great Lakes to the Gulf Coast, Republican hopefuls Romney and Santorum blasting each other in the press and the tragic high school shootings in Ohio. Thank goodness things are going well in Afghanistan. So with all this devastation, I thought I would go with something light and fluffly this week, like a cheese souffle or a Sarah Palin foreign policy briefing.

While surfing the internet looking for information about why certain blogs don’t go viral, I came across www.blogspot.com and went right to the believe it or not section. So in the words of Micky Dolenz, with background vocals by the recently departed Davey Jones, “I’m in love, I’m a believer, I couldn’t leave this site if I tried.”

So here are some facts that you may not have known and may well wish to quickly forget. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue, so it’s always an embarrassing situation when the veterinarian says, “Stick out your tongue and say ahh.” A snail can sleep for three years without having to once get up to go to the bathroom. A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Damn right I’m envious.

All polar bears are left-handed, whereas on the average, right-handed people live nine years longer than left-handed people do, especially if they’re not being chased by polar bears. In 1987, American Airlines saved $40,000 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. And that’s why I have to beg for an extra bag of mini-pretzels in coach. On average Americans eat 18 acres of pizza every day while drinking enough soda to refill the Mediterranean Sea.

Babies are born without knee caps, which don’t appear until the child reaches two to six years of age or the power button on the TV set. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath, but you might want to if you’re a woman and Rick Santorum is the Republican nominee in November.

China has more English speakers than Bose and the United States. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Which reminds me of the old Three Stooges line, “You go Uruguay, I’ll go my way.”

Elephants and white men are the only animals that can’t jump. Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie. Which brings to mind the time Jay Leno asked Richard Simmons the cost of a Barbara Streisand stamp they were selling at her Las Vegas concert. Simmons said, “$75.” Leno replied, “For $75, that stamp should lick me.”

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. However, humans are the only ones that have to pay for it. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language followed by the most commonly used, “Not now, I have a headache.” If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. I’m not even going to talk about Ken.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction, which is also why you’re hungry an hour later after eating Chinese food. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes, which led to last year’s protests in Tahrir Square.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Go ahead, try it. Women blink nearly twice as much as men, but men are better at winking. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Picasso invented the hot comb. Marilyn Monroe had six toes and the Kennedys. Charlotte team owner Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Despite this, his Bobcats are the worst team in the NBA.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. What an asinine thought. No word in the English language rhymes with month. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because in the ’30′s cotton growers lobbied against hemp farmers as they saw it as competition. Thus the derivation of the term “cotton balls.” Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older, and none will drive after 112.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose, ears and fears never stop growing. Some lions mate over 50 times a day, thus deserving the title of king of the jungle and luckiest animal alive. Starfish and Tea Party members haven’t got brains. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, which is why they like to order off the menu.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand, followed by “What would you like to drink?” The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. And dog spelled backwards is God. And that is why they are considered man’s best friend after the remote control.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Why does this not surprise me? The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. That is some wild foreplay.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed, followed my Connor, Madison and Dakota. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes when it remembered it was an archipelago.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue, followed by the libido. The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want, which I am all too familiar with. And finally, you share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world. Now don’t you feel special?

For today’s photo entree we are heading over to Natural Bridges State Beach on the night of February 21. The sky showed some major potential as the sun headed towards the horizon. As you can see, it turned out to be well worth the digital trip down to sea level. Unlike tornado season, which usually runs from spring through fall, it looks like the spectacular sunrises and sunsets are pretty much done for a while. Fortunately, I have my memories and more importantly, the jpegs.

On to the late night. “As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O’Brien “Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.” –Jay Leno “The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It’s called Every Child Left Behind. Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?” –David Letterman “Rick Santorum released his tax returns this week, and under withholding he wrote oral sex.” –Bill Maher

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up. In yesterday’s Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it’s gonna be a long night. “It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last night. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, ‘primary season.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That’s exactly the kind of misrepresentation I’d expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O’Brien “Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, ‘radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion.’ I’m all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum’s running mate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick, I’m sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him s**t his pants.” –Jon Stewart “Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.” –Stephen Colbert on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college.

So that’s our entree into March madness. And regarding the answer to yesterday’s Daily Double question on Jeopardy, “Who’s birthday is it today?” Well, the answer would be my former NBA basketball correspondent from my sportstalk radio days, Robert Hall, who was as unselfish with the microphone as he was with the rock. This is a man who has a CD of every concert ever recorded since George Washington sat in with the Doobie Brothers.

You might want to take a moment and be thankful you’re not living in tornado alley, as last Friday was a horrific one for our nation. It was a day of stunning destruction that left folks shaken and broken.

We’ll catch you putting on a spectacular show on national TV. Aloha, mahalo and later, Rajon Rondo fans.

3 Comments »

  1. Wow, your jpegs have legs and I want to join your diatribe. Call me guy with camera stuck to face

    Comment by boots — March 5, 2012 @ 7:21 am

  2. “lethologica”

    Comment by Babs — March 5, 2012 @ 8:10 am

  3. They used to call me the Kangaroo Kid. Did you know that female kangaroos have either 2 or 3 vaginas, depending on which expert you ask?
    That fact had nothing to do with my nickname, I hope.

    Comment by Billy Cunningham. — March 5, 2012 @ 12:18 pm

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