November 25, 2012

Open the Window, It’s A Little Stuffing In Here

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Good morning and greetings, post holiday fans. Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone as the turkey, along with mounds of stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce is just a happy caloric memory. It’s a holiday I always look forward to as it involves food, family and football, and not necessarily in that order. Or in the words of the late Johnny Carson, “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday, People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. Hiyo.

It’s a November gathering that brings families together to kick back, enjoy a fabulous meal and reminisce. No pressure, no presents, no Pilgrims, just being around people who we are closest to and the baggage they bring with them. It’s a simple way to celebrate a day that fills the memory books. Jon Stewart remembers this holiday well. “I celebrated in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

For the home team, a good part of the day is spent in the kitchen, preparing for a feast while many around the world go hungry. As Mother Theresa once told me at a Bon Jovi concert, “If you can’t feed one hundred people, feed one.” For a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner, much needs to be done in preparation. But this work can be rewarding. As the queen of macadamia nuts Roseanne Barr once crooned, ‘Here I am at five o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt.”

It’s a long day in the kitchen, but then again, this holiday occurs only once a year, giving you 365 days of rest in-between. Myself, I don’t mind the work, as the TV is on and football makes a pleasant backdrop for this late November surge. Columnist Erma Bombeck was an interested observer of the all-consuming pigskin experience. As she once wrote, “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Halftimes take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence.” Or as my rabbi once noted, “On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down at the same time-halftime.”

It’s a fun day, as we reunite with family we sometimes see just a few times throughout the year. For the simple man or a big-time celebrity like Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s a special day on the culinary front. In the words of the Terminator, “I love the Thanksgiving turkey…it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.” And as David Letterman once chimed in, “Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say,’ How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and says, Here kitty, kitty.”

And we know that Dave Letterman is a big fan of Oprah. Oprah is a saint, a woman with a huge heart that overflows with love and generosity. She changes people’s lives on a daily basis, and if you want to admire someone in life, you might want to start with the Big O. This is her thought on the day. “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never ever have enough. Or in the words of inspirational writer William A. Ward, “God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”

Well, damn it, I have, and I’m thankful for all I’m blessed with including family, friends, health and a new 51″ HD Plasma TV to watch the Food Channel on. But to put the holiday in proper perspective, I’ll let the final words flow from the pale face of comedian Jim Gaffigan, an expert on bacon who came up with this riff. “Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’” Thank you and good night.

For today’s photo entree we are featuring the first half of the November 14th double dip, when both the sunrise and sunset shined from sea to sea. In my last post we featured the dusk experience, where the texture of the clouds seemed unreal. For this sunrise, I misjudged where the prime action was and set up way down at the end of Its Beach (photo #1) to try and capture the red reflection on the water. But the real deal were the clouds above Steamers Lane, which I caught in photo #2 when they had turned mandarin orange, creating a citrus sunrise effect.

Then the heavy clouds rolled in and I moved along to take in some silhouette action from Lighthouse Field. All in all, it was a day of double delights, with folks along the central coast getting two spectacular sights for the price of one. For me, it was just another chapter in the life of a photo blogger with his trusty digital camera and a golden retriever that will never leave him.

On to the late night. “Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it’s bad when even Facebook thinks it’s time for you to get a job.” –Jimmy Kimmel “During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he’s actually one of the guys who signed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying ‘step off or I will cut a bi-atch.’ And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn’t just a love triangle, folks. It’s a love pentagon.” -Stephen Colbert

“It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, ‘Why not?’ Those questions can’t be any tougher than the ones he’s getting at home right now. See, when a general tells his wife, ‘I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan,” technically he’s not lying.” –Jay Leno

So that’s our last blast for November 2012. We’ll catch you showing NFL fans that despite suffering a devastating knee injury last year, you’ve amazingly come back better than ever this season while leading the league in rushing yards. Aloha, mahalo and later, Adrian Peterson fans.

November 18, 2012

The New Choice Of The Pepsi Degeneration

Good morning and greetings, Pentagon fans. Well, drama was on center stage last week in Washington, as the director of the CIA, General David Petraeus, was forced to resign for having an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. Shame on you, general. His response: “I showed extremely poor judgement and engaging in an extramarital affair with a woman who turned out to be a blabbermouth.”

It seems as if the married men at the top, whether it be a Bill Clinton, General Patraeus or Charlie Sheen, have a problem keeping it in their pants. Or in the words of Woody Allen, “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.”

This story of feasting on the forbidden fruit continued to unfold throughout the week, as a second woman, Jill Kelly, revealed she had received anonymous threatening emails telling her to keep her paws off the general. Turns out the emails were from biographer turned mistress Paula Broadwell. Or as Martin Short said of her, “Some people are born great and other have greatness thrusted into them.”

Later in the week the “seductress” Ms. Kelly claimed diplomatic immunity as she tried to ward off focus from the media. Good luck with that. It brought to mind something Gary Shandling once said, “I once made love for an hour and a quarter but it was the night the clocks were set ahead.”

And this story of military love, lust and betrayal got even kinkier, when it was revealed that General John Allen, who is in command of our 68,000 troops in Afghanistan, had email communications with the fabulous Ms. Kelly. Pentagon and FBI sources said they were “potentially inappropriate” and “flirtatious” and even worse had grammar and spelling errors. Or as Bill Maher quipped, “Apparently, this chick was flirting with everyone except General Motors.”

And then to top it all off, the FBI agent who Jill Kelly had first brought the anonymous emails to was investigated for sending a shirtless photos of himself to Kelly. Turns out it was just a joke. Still, I may be old fashioned, but isn’t it supposed to work the other way around?

So who is this Jill Kelly and why am I am suddenly so attracted to her? This episode of “All My Generals” reminds me of something I recently heard at a vegan nutritional seminar. “Food has replaced sex in my life and now I can’t get my pants on.”

And that leads us into today’s topic. A couple of months back I wrote about how soft drink giants Coke and Pepsi are trying to develop a soda with no calories, no artificial sweeteners and no funny aftertaste because consumption of this sweet poison is down.

Well, Pepsi, which has your taste for life, really wants to change the game. In a story written by Lisa Collier Cool for Yahoo Health, Pepsi announced last week that they had launched a version of its popular cola in Japan that claims to block the absorption of fat for those who think young and thin.

Simply called Pepsi Special, this caffeinated soft drink has the added ingredient dextrin, a natural water-soluble dietary fiber derived from potatoes. This is not to be confused with dexedrine, a recreational stimulant which will put more than a litttle bounce in your step.

Japanese commercials touting the Pepsi Special’s effectiveness for weight loss even go as far as to ask, “Why choose between a hamburger and a slice of pizza? If you choose Pepsi Special, you can have both!” Or french fries and onion rings. Miso and matzo ball soup. Who says you can’t have it all?

Pepsi claims that dextrin slows the absorption of fat in the body by binding with it and eliminating it as waste, not reserving it as empty calories. It’s basing its claims on a Japanese study published in 2006 by The Teriyaki Institute that showed that rats fed dextrin actually absorbed less fat than those that were not. And further tests revealed that research causes cancer in rats. When I asked James Cagney about the subjects of this study, he responded, “Those dirty, double-crossing rats.”

But you might want to hold off before jumping on this no-fat love train. In the late 1990′s, U.S. snack food companies added olestra to salty snacks like potato chips, which was a fat-blocking ingredient that destroyed a substantial amount of valuable nutrients and gave junk-food lovers a little more than they had bargained for.

Americans who dove into the olestra arena experienced bloating, cramping, diarrhea, loose bowel movements and a craving for Mountain Dew. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration defends olestra, even though its use is banned in the Canada, the United Kingdom and Ted’s Bakery on the north shore of Oahu. As it turns out, dextrin produces the same results. Now, I don’t want to be a party pooper, but when it comes to my movements, I want them to be as smooth as Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.

So here’s the bottom line. Pepsi claims that its new and improved cola is just as good as the non-diet version. So if you want to take the Pepsi challenge, remember that despite its claims of refreshing the world, the Pepsi Special still contains high levels of sugar in the form of high fructose corn syrup, which is one of obesity’s best friends.

I’m still thinking that a proper diet, exercise and watching a lot of HDTV might be a better way to lose weight. Either way, I’m just soda-lighted for opportunity to discuss this important health news. Keep up that Pepsi spirit.

For today’s photo lounge, we are heading to the coast and Lighthouse Point, as the first great sunrise of the season debuted Thursday morning. I was going to feature it in this week’s post, but then a sunset took center stage that night that was off the charts.

It was your classic double dip day, with the action at both dawn and dusk being a digital treat. At sunset, the high clouds didn’t produce much color, but the panel of clouds along the horizon looking unreal through my zoom lens. And the highlight of the evening was when another group of swirling clouds appeared in front of the originals (photo #7), creating an exotic canvas of color and texture like I had never seen before. Quite a memorable twilight doubleheader.

On to the late night. “CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, ‘All In.’ Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, ‘Just The Tip.’” –Seth Meyers “People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he’s behaving like your common congressman.” –Jay Leno

“Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it ‘a priceless stone’ while David Petraeus’ wife called it ‘a start.’” –Jimmy Fallon “This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, ‘Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We’re talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time.” –Jay Leno “Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio.” –David Letterman

“According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, “You mean I could have just bought it?’ Mitt Romney’s family has been trying to console him since Tuesday’s loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it’s like to put together a cabinet.” –Jay Leno

“Here’s what they’re saying was Mitt’s problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I’m sorry, that’s me.” –David Letterman “The movie ‘Lincoln’ opened over the weekend. It’s getting unbelievable reviews. It’s so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.” –Jay Leno

So enjoy the upcoming holiday weekend with family and friends, and remember that the key word in Thanksgiving is thanks. Take a moment to be grateful for all the things we sometimes take for granted. It never hurts to refresh one’s perspective.

We’ll catch you experiencing a weekend of wild upsets in college football that left folks at Notre Dame and Alabama smiling. Aloha, mahalo and later, BCS playoff fans.

November 11, 2012

Kenya Hear Me Now?

Good morning and greetings, electoral college fans. Now that the presidential campaign that would never end is behind us, we can go back to focusing on the important things, like the recovery from Hurricane Sandy, kick starting the economy and who’s going to coach the Lakers.

But before we leave the lovely grounds of the electoral college, let’s reflect a moment on the six billion dollars spent on this electorial debacle. Could there have been a better way for these quadrillions to have been better spent? Health care? Food for the hungry? A three day, two night romantic getaway vacation at The Venetian Hotel and Casino on the Vegas strip?

As brought up by historian David McCullough, for all this dinero, nothing memorable was said during the campaign. Never have so few spent so much for so little. Of course, no one will forget the incredibly ignorant and insensitive comments about rape uttered by Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, which still has Republican party leaders cringing.

So President Obama will remain in the West Wing for another four years, with the country remaining as divided as my sixth grade notebook binder. As a seasoned political observer chimed in from the blue grass state last week, “John Boehner is still orange and Mitch McConnell must go. And take Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi with them. We need new blood in Washington.”

And let’s not forget Super Pac boy Karl Rove, who David Letterman referred to on post election night as “that tubby little weasel.” This top Republican strategist, who had predicted a landslide for his party, blew $300 million on Republican losers. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Well, maybe that hate mongering Rush Limbaugh.

So for now, Michelle’s hubby remains as our 44th president. We know that President Obama is lefty, loves to play basketball and was either born in Hawaii or Kenya. So that got me to thinking, what things might we not know about our previous commanders-in-chiefs? Well, thanks to the folks at www.randomhistory.com, we’re going to take a
stroll down memory lane and look at some fun facts about our previous presidents.

Abraham Lincoln was the only U.S. president who was also a licensed bartender and was co-owner of a saloon in Springfield, Illinois. This drinking establishment is where he came up the inspiration for the famous opening line of the Gettysburg Address, “Four score and seven drinks ago…”

George Washington refused to accept his presidential salary, which was $25,000 a year after taxes. Washington never lived in the White House, as the capital was in Philadelphia. While in Washington, he stayed at a Motel 6. He was the first person they left the light on for.

Lincoln Logs were named after Abraham Lincoln and the log cabin where he was born. Rumor has it that John F. Kennedy was the inspiration behind the naming of the Erector Sets, a toy that consisted of nuts, bolts and a lot of screwing.

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams once traveled to Stratford-upon-Avon to visit Shakespeare’s birthplace. While there, they took a knife to one of Shakespeare’s chairs so they could take home some wood chips as souvenirs. Fortunately, Shakespeare was not sitting in the chair at the time.

James Madison and Thomas Jefferson were once arrested together for taking a carriage ride in the countryside of Vermont on a Sunday, which violated the laws of that state. However, they denied anything improper occurred on this outing, after which they returned home to watch the first season of “Glee” on NetFlix.

James Buchanan was the only bachelor president and was virtually inseparable from William R. King, a senator from Alabama, earning the pair the nickname “Miss Nancy and Aunt Fancy.” Andrew Johnson is the only tailor ever to be president. As president, he would only wear suits that he made himself, which might have inspired the quote, “Politicians, like underwear, should be changed often, and for the same reasons. Whoa.

James Garfield was the first president to ever talk on the phone and hear the phrase, “Due to unusually high call volume, our wait time is greater than expected.” When he spoke to Alexander Graham Bell, who was at the other end 13 miles away, he channeled the Doors’ Jim Morrison with the words, ‘Hello, I love you, won’t you tell me your name.”

Twenty-ninth president Warren Harding repeatedly made love to a young girl, Nan Britton, in a White House closet. On one occasion, Secret Service agents had to stop his wife from beating down the closet door, which spawned the famous line from Fats Domino, “I hear you knocking, but you can’t come in.”

After President Bush Sr. vomited on the Japanese Prime Minister, a new
word, ‘bushusuru’ entered the Japanese language, meaning “to do the
Bush thing,” or to publicly vomit. Bush blamed it on some bad mu shu pork.

Lyndon Baines Johnson affectionately called the many women he slept with his “harem.” He had a 24 second clock and buzzer system installed that rang inside the Oval Office so that Secret Service could warn him when Lady Bird or Larry Bird were coming.

Ulysses S. Grant smoked at least 20 cigars a day and, after his victory over the south, was sent more than 10,000 cigars by a grateful nation. He later died of throat cancer. Which brings to mind the line uttered by Groucho Marx when told by a contestant on his game show that she had nineteen children, “Hey, lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

JFK was the the first Boy Scout to become president but behaved more like an eager beaver while in the Oval Office. He most likely had the most active extramarital sex life of any president as he allegedly slept with Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Audrey Hepburn, Angie Dickinson, stripper Blaze Starr, Marlene Dietrich, White House staffers, interns, life guards, secretaries, tour guides, stewardess, coal miners, dental hygenists, census takers and the Andrew Sisters.

And finally, William Harrison holds the record for the longest inauguration speech in history at 8,578 words long and one hour and 40 minutes. Unfortunately, he gave the speech during bad weather and a month later, he was dead from pneumonia, making his the shortest presidency on record. And who said sticks and stones can break my
bones but words can never hurt me?

For today’s photo array we are heading up to UC Santa Cruz to check out some presidential timber. There is a variety of different trees on campus, but the star of the show are the redwoods, with incredible groves located all throughout the cluster colleges. There are beautiful trails surrounding the university, which ranks as one of
the most beautiful campuses in the country. The views of Monterey Bay from the east fieldhouse, where I received much of my college education, are breathtaking.

On to the late night. “Congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.” –Jay Leno “In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, ‘Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch.” Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Well, it’s over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won. Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free. Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday’s marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds.” –David Letterman

“Obama’s been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, their heart’s not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchanan said, ‘You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.’ On Fox News they’re obsessed
with Benghazi. They want answers. They’re like a teen boy reaching into a pair of panties for the first time. They’re not sure what it is, they’re not sure where it is but they know there’s something in there and they’re going to find it.” –Bill Maher

“Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That’s a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition.” –Jimmy Kimmel “Last night I answered the door and there was a kid lying on the porch. He was playing dead. I
said: ‘What are you supposed to be?’ He said: ‘the economy.’” –Jay Leno

So let’s hope the Republicans and Democrats can bury the hatchet and come together like good boys and girls so we can move ahead as a nation. And don’t forget the poor folks who lost their homes or power in Hurricane Sandy or our troops and their families. It will be a while for either to recover from the devastation.

So my 350th post is in the books. We’ll catch you showing everyone why you were the number one pick in last year’s NFL draft and have your team in playoff contention this season. Aloha, mahalo and later, Andrew Luck fans.

November 4, 2012

If You Have An Election Lasting More Than Four Hours, Call Your Doctor

Good morning and greetings, Presidential Election fans. Wow, what a wild and tragic week we had running up to Tuesday’s election. Hurricane Sandy wreaked unbelievable havoc and destruction along the east coast, with the most severe damage occurring in my home state of New Jersey and New York. These two states and the New York Jets were declared a state of emergency while requesting federal assistance about what to do with Tim Tebow.

This incredibly powerful freak storm left behind a surreal landscape of devastation. We’re talking homes destroyed, towns under water, millions without power and heat, the New York subway system ground to a halt, a rising death toll and Halloween being cancelled in many places. So much for eat, drink and be scary. There was talk of cancelling the election, as how were people going to get to the polls? By canoe?

The final word on Sandy comes from Yankee fans, who said if the storm had been named Hurricane A-Rod, it wouldn’t have hit anything.

But we are still on track to vote to see who will occupy the White House for the next four years. So with some big help from the folks at randomhistory.com, let’s take a look at some fun facts about previous presidential elections. Or as either Donald Trump or his hairdresser once said, “How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The first official presidential election in the U.S. took place in 1779, with George Washington becoming our first Commander-in-Chief. While in office, the Father of our Country did not chop down any cherry trees, refused to serve a third term and made history by becoming the first president not to blame his troubles on the previous administration.

Under the heading of “I did not know that,” prior to the 12th Amendment of the Constitution in 1804, the presidential candidate who received the second highest number of electorial votes was named the vice-president. The oldest presidential candidate to be elected was Ronald Reagan at age 69, while the youngest was John F. Kennedy at 43. If he had been elected in 2008, John McCain would have take over the title of oldest elected president at age 172, er, 72 years old.

In the 1984 presidential election, Reagan received both the highest number of popular votes (54,455,075) and the highest number of electoral votes (525) in history. As a Hollywood actor, Ronnie once played the role of football star George Gipp in “Knute Rockne, All American.” Because of this, I would tell my son before he stepped onto the floor before a big game, “Sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they’ve got and win just one for the Gipper.’

The first general election presidential debate was held on September 26, 1960, between John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon. Prior to this, presidential candidates occasionally debated, but never on TV. Tricky Dick had not completely recovered from a hospital stay and looked pale, tired and sickly. He also refused to wear any makeup, and as a result, he had a heavy five o’clock shadow look on the black-and-white TV screens from that era. JFK, by contrast, was tan, confident and relaxed with Marilyn Monore sitting in his lap during the debate. For Nixon, it was a Watergate,er, watershed moment.

The presidential election is traditionally held on the Tuesday after the first Monday in November. Or in the words of Gregg Allman, “They call it stormy Monday, but Tuesday is just as bad.” November was chosen as the election month because it was a convenient time for farmers, when the weather was still nice enough to travel to the county seat, as the bulk of their harvest chores and Halloween trick-or-treating was done.

The Obama-McCain 2008 presidential election was the first time in U.S. history when two sitting senators, although McCain was probably dozing, ran against each other for president. Only two women have ever won the nomination of a major party in a U.S. presidential election: Geraldine Ferraro was the Democratic vice-presidential nominee in 1984, and Sarah Palin was the 2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee. However, Palin was the only one who could see Russia from her house.

In 2000, Al Gore won the popular vote but lost the election to George Bush when the Supremely Inept Court stopped the Florida recount of ballots, giving George W. the state’s 25 electoral votes, for a total of 271 to Gore’s 255. This went down as the biggest heist in history until Saddam Hussein’s ordered his son to rip off $1 billion from Iraq’s Central Bank just hours before the U.S. began bombing Baghdad.

So let’s end with the following oaths. “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.” And more importantly, I’m Geoffrey Gilbert and I approve this blog.

For today’s photo recap we are going back to the lovely evening of October 7. The clouds were lining up nicely as I hit Stockton Avenue for the sunset cruise, and as this day turned into night, no man nor beast walked away disappointed. Or to quote the great Woody Allen, “Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.”

On to some late night. “Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning. We had the last presidential debate. A very subdued Mitt Romney. If you saw it, Obama would talk, and then Mitt would say, ‘what he said, but from a white guy.’ In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it’s too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they’re okay with it. At this point they’re at this point they’re like Jerry Sandusky’s wife.” –Bill Maher

“Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She’ll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception.” –Jimmy Kimmel “Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person.” –Craig Ferguson “The debates are over. All that’s left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines.” –David Letterman

“Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina.” –Jimmy Kimmel “Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records.” –Jay Leno “President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics.” –Conan O’Brien

“The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home.” –Conan O’Brien “This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees in the playoffs. Economic losses could reach $20 billion. And most of that is in paper towels.” –David Letterman

So that’s our election day special. Birthday wishes go out to my old backcourt running mate, Aromas’s own Doug MacKinnon. In my greatest days of basketball glory, Doug was right beside me, picking and rolling, as our opponents were helpless to stop us. The bigger they were, the harder they fell. We were legends in our own minds. Now we both have great futures behind us.

So remember to vote early and vote often. We’ll catch you being named last season’s sixth man of the year and alongside Linsanity, exploding out of the blocks this season with your new Rocket team. Aloha, mahalo and later, James Harden fans.


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