October 13, 2013

I Just Met A Girl Named Sharia

Good morning and greetings, debt ceiling fans. What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on in Washington? When I wrote about the government shut down last week, I figured by this time, some blood had flowed into the brain of the Tea Party boys and that the orange tinted Johnny Boehner would have come to his senses and gotten his party in line to end this embarrassing and costly crisis. I believe it was Paul Revere’s brother who said “Instead of just wringing our hands, we should be wringing some Congressional necks.”

And then on Wednesday, when I thought it couldn’t get any nuttier, those fun-loving Taliban Islamist militants, who we are fighting in the 12th year in the war in Afghanistan, posted comments on their website, taunting Washington over the government shutdown and accusing US politicians of “sucking the blood of their own people.” A spokesman for the American Vampire Party immediately demanded an apology and a retraction of that statement.

Now I would not normally write about a group as evil as these misogynistic tribesman, but the totally lunacy of events in Washington has created an atmosphere of disbelief. As Jay Leno noted last week, “This is unbelievable. The government is shut down. Even Al Queda couldn’t do this.”

This merry band of Pashtun pranksters stated that US institutions were “paralyzed” and “The American people should realize that their politicians play with their destinies as well as the destinies of other oppressed nations for the sake of their personal vested interests.” This from an organization whose members would rather spend quality time with a goat rather than a woman.

These equal rights rebels then closed their statement with a flourish, stating “Instead of sucking the blood of their own people… this money should be utilized for the sake of peace.” And then to celebrate the release of their announcement, these fellows went out and arranged a public lashing of a woman for watching an episode of ‘The Ellen Show’ before courageously burning down a school for girls.

The US embassy press staff in Kabul had no comments on this verbal attack from the Taliban’s website. And I certainly do not like being a mouthpiece for this brutal group of fanatics, who are quite fond of Sharia law, which forbids everything fun except breathing.

Now I don’t want to say these guys are strict, but according to Wikipedia, (and if it’s written there, you know it’s true,) here are some previous lawful activities that the Taliban prohibited while they were in power in Afghanistan from 1996 through 2001.

Eating anything pork, so there go the barbecued spare ribs, wearing anything made from human hair and no wearing baseball hats backwards. No satellite dishes, so no NFL Sunday Ticket, movies, musical instruments, pool tables and the food courts at Costco. No alcohol, no beer at public executions, computers, television, frisbees or anything that promoted sex and music, except MTV, because Taliban leader Mullah Omar was a big fan of “Jersey Shore.”

Wine, lobster, shrimp scampi, nail polish, fireworks, egg rolls, Starbucks, jelly donuts, shaved ice, statues, pictures, Instagram, Snap Chat, Christmas cards and especially mistletoe. Basically, anything that could be characterized as a fun or frivolous activity that would bring a smile to the face of the long-suffering Afghan people.

In addition, under Sharia Law, not to be confused with Jude Law, these Talibaners got rid of employment, so no unemployment benefits, education, sports for all women including beach volleyball, dancing, surfing, clapping during sports events, the wave, kite flying, skate boarding and giggling. And finally, any symbols of living things, including drawings, paintings, photographs, etch-o-sketches, stuffed animals, dolls, hula hoops and especially anything Justin Beiber.

In June 2013, the Taliban opened an office in Doha, Qatar, where they sell posters, t-shirts, sweatshirts and calendars featuring freedom fighters of the month. Now I could drone on and on about what level of insanity we have reached in Washington, as the Tea Party has brought craziness in the nation’s capital to new heights. Bottom line, when a hardline Islamic movement can issue statements about our government that has a ring of truth to it, then something is very, very wrong with this picture.

Transitioning from hard line extremists to the soft pastel colors, today I’m featuring the second night of gorgeous back-to-back September sunsets. Two weeks ago, I showcased the Sunday night action from Labor Day weekend when the sky simply blew up. On a 1 to 10 scale that night, we were hitting close to the decade mark.

Today’s photos are from the following night, and although they didn’t quite blow the doors off my camera lens, the colors were spectacular. I was shooting from Stockton Avenue along West Cliff Drive, and the swirling clouds dipping down from the west gave this night an unusual look. With a warm breeze blowing, the sky proceeded to turn a passionate shade of orange. What a wonderful way to close out a holiday weekend.

On to the late night humor. “A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, ‘Are you SURE I wasn’t born in Kenya?’ This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, ‘Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Stephen Colbert explains the GOP strategy: “The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can’t take yours until I’m done. I know you’re upset, but we’re both at fault here, so let’s negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win.” “Winner: the Tea Party. It’s always nice to see a vocal minority get their way. You’re like the naked lunatic that gets his own subway car. So congrats on soiling yourself into power.” -Cecily Strong “Winner: Canada. Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada.” -Seth Meyers

“A mentally unstable woman tried to ram the barricades in front of the White House yesterday. Apparently she held the delusional belief that she was communicating with Obama, and that they were involved in some sort of back-and-forth. You know, like John Boehner. The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, ‘We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don’t even know that is.’ Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs.” –Bill Maher

“Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It’s a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism? The duffin is a combination of a donut and a muffin, and if you eat enough of them you get a combination of diabetes and heart disease. After four or five years of eating the duffin, they’ll put you in a cuffin. It’s day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?” –David Letterman

So another week of leaping dolphins, breaching whales and baseball playoffs is in the books. We’ll catch you showing people how with everything on the line last week you looked the best pitcher in baseball. Aloha, mahalo and later, Justin Verlander.


  1. Politics two weeks in a row? Boy this shut down is really starting to effect everything!

    Comment by David Ortiz — October 14, 2013 @ 7:22 am

  2. Wow… you have your “dandruff” up!

    Comment by babs — October 14, 2013 @ 8:41 am

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