Good morning and greetings, prom night fans. As you know, I like to report on the important news stories and trends of the day. Last week, I wrote about the dynamic duo of milk and cookies, a subject I am quite familiar with due to my ongoing research and subsequent weight gains. As Jenny Craig’s nutritionist once told me, “I try to keep losing weight, but it keeps finding me. But I often think back to the words of Drew Barrymore who once said, “I’d rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy life.”

So while we’re on that subject, here’s a couple of helpful tips from a Mr. Larry Wentz when it comes to weight loss. Only eat food that you can catch and kill with a toothpick and even better, weigh yourself with only one foot on the scale. Or as Julia Child told Richard Simmons, “The only time I eat diet food is when I’m waiting for a steak to cook.”

Well, speaking of meating and greeting, as part of my vegan diet that includes beef, poultry and fish, I like to dine on the occasional cheeseburger and fries. It’s not so much that I enjoy the taste of these two American food staples, it more like a colonic cleansing of my digestive system. And what condiment goes hand-in-mouth with these two delectable dishes? Our friend, the Duke of Ketchup.

According to Piper Weiss of yahoo.com, an estimated 97 percent of American households have a bottle of ketchup or vodka in their refrigerators at this moment. If you’re like me, and that’s saying something, you prefer Heinz’ original recipe, which consists of tomatoes, vinegar, high fructose corn syrup, salt, spice, onion powder and some other “natural flavorings” the company and the Defense Department isn’t required to list.

But before Heinz, ketchup, sweet and sour sauce, black bean sauce, apple sauce, Santa Claus or even catsup, there was katchop. Many believe the name is derived from the word koechiap or ke-tsiap, which comes from the Amoy dialect of China. Roughly translated, these words mean the brine of shell fish and yes, you can super size those fries. This Chinese condiment, from which our can’t live without burger, hot dog and french fry topping originated, was nothing more than shellfish brine, not the red devil that we lather on like shaving cream.

But hold on to your golden arches, as this mixture of tiny sea creatures, soaked for days in pickling vinegar and the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices, was the basis for the delectable dip we know, love and worship today.

When British explorers caught wind of it in Singapore in the 1700s, they brought it back to their own Western European kitchens along with a large order to go of chow fun, lo mein and cream cheese filled won tons. The result was the first ketchup recipe, a mixture of vinegar, gene shallots, spices, horseradish, anchovies, paulie walnuts, mushrooms, kidney beans alongside a boatload of napkins.

The first English recipe on record, published in a 1727 cookbook, called for 12 to 14 anchovies and zero tomatoes. We’re not talking about that sweet and tangy sauce made from pureed tomatoes. It was really more of a fish recipe than a condiment, but without the Food Channel, who knew?

Ketchup made from pickled oyster juice was another early popular dipping sauce, something I wouldn’t even serve to the Taliban. Other early versions of ketchup had flavors like blueberries, lemon, grape, watermelon and strawberry mango. It wasn’t until the 1820′s that tomatoes got involved in the mix, as Heinz brought the bottled version to homes and Burger King in the 1870s.

But let us not forget that Heinz also introduced ‘funky purple’ and ‘blastin’ green’ EZ Squirts ketchup, along with pink, orange, teal and blue versions of America’s favorite condiment. I don’t know about you, but I like my ketchup red, the same color as my high school gang, the Anderson Avenue Bloods.

Due to a tomato shortage during World War II, Filipinos began making ketchup out of the abundant banana crop, yielding a much sweeter brownish yellow sauce which was then dyed red. Filipinos liked banana ketchup so much that it has outsold tomato ketchup ever since and the Abu Sayyaf Terrorist Group swears they would never consider kidnapping helpless tourists and holding them for ransom without it.

Here are a couple more fun facts. The French, who have made surrendering an art, recently banned ketchup in many schools to discourage obsessive dipping and in particular, double dipping. Ketchup is similar to wine in that there are good and bad ketchup years depending on the tomato harvest. I can remember back in the early days when my wife and I were first dating, we would go out to West Cliff at dusk and open a bottle of ketchup and watch the sunset.

And finally, let’s finish this segment off with a joke that has nothing to do with ketchup. A penguin walked into a bar and said, “Has my father been in here today?” The bartender said, “”I don’t know, what does he look like?” The penguin said, “He was wearing a tuxedo.”

For today’s photo discourse, we are once again heading up the North Coast to Hole-In-The-Wall Beach and Panther Beach. If you are wondering where the first name came from, check out photo #3. The natural beauty of these beaches is as stunning as my modeling portfolio, and colors of the limestone cliffs (photo #4) are nothing short of spectacular. And as a bonus, the waves were booming the whole time while my daughter and I were there, creating a show of spray (photo #6) that was well worth the price of free admission.

On to some late night. “There was a huge fundraiser for President Obama at George Clooney’s house last Thursday night. They raised over $15 million. Actually, one awkward moment: When they were handing President Obama the check… the Chinese ambassador stepped in and said, ‘I believe that belongs to us.’” –Jay Leno “President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? — that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech.” –Jimmy Fallon “When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt’s tastes. And today Mitt’s dog said, ‘I thought I had it bad.” –Bill Maher

“I don’t know what it’s like at your salon, but at mine, isn’t the guy cutting the hair the gay one?” –Bill Maher “This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn’t know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor.” –Jay Leno

“Today Newt Gingrich didn’t agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages.” –Jay Leno “Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater
from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers.” –Conan O’Brien “As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.’” –Conan O’Brien

So that’s our pre Memorial Day weekend blast. Birthday wishes go out on Friday to my lovely wife Allison. Not a day has gone by in the last 24 years that I haven’t wondered, did she really marry me just for my looks? As I’ve said before and I’ll say again, besides TiVo, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Not everyone gets so lucky.

And on the same day my old Motown pal, Marc Techner, celebrates his birth rite. Marc grew up in Detroit and now lives right off the beach on the west side of Santa Cruz. That’s called trading up.

We’ll catch you showing NBA fans what being classy and a champion is all about. Aloha, mahalo and later, Tim Duncan fans.

Good morning and greetings, healthy snack fans. I remember a few
years back going in for my annual physical, and my doctor suggested
that it wouldn’t hurt if I lost a few pounds. I immediately thought
of what Ellen Degeneres once told me. “You have to stay in shape. My
grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

My doctor asked me about my diet and exercise regimen and then asked, “So, can you stop eating cookies?” I replied, “Hey, I’m a man’s man. Of course, I could cut back on my sugar intake. I’ll start right
after I see Haley’s comet.”

Let’s fast forward to today, where at age 59, I’m still a growing boy
and enjoy the comforting duo of milk and cookies. Actually, I don’t
really need the milk, just give me the cookies. But since milk supposedly does a body good, I like to include it in my daily vegan regimen whenever there’s a substance full of sugar, sodium and saturated fat that I can hold in my hand.

So being that I’ve been pounding down the Grade A, Pasteurized,
Homogenized, 1% lowfat milk with vitamins A & D like a camel on spring
break, I thought it might be a good time to take a look at what goes
into the making of this fantasticly nutritious white liquid. Or as
Robert Fulghum once said, “Think what a better world it would be if we
all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o’clock every
afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.”

So according to my friends at the Legacy Farms in Plainview, Texas,
cows, like teenage boys, have a unique digestive system that includes
four stomachs. They swallow food quickly without chewing it well and
store it in their first and second stomachs. After they have eaten
their fill, they will burp up a small portion of the food they have stored in their first and second stomachs without saying “Excuse me.” This small portion of food is called cud or quiche.

They will then chew this cud and swallow it to their third stomach.
After that the food leaves their third stomach it enters their fourth
stomach where the digestion and indigestion occurs. Amd that’s why
four out of five dairy farmers recommend Pepto-Bismal for their cows
that chew cud.

Cows spend about six hours eating per day and chow down about 90
pounds of food in that time, not including appetizers, jello or finger
foods. It takes about two days for a cow to process her food into milk, three days for chocolate milk.

And since I’m not lactose intolerant, here are some more fun facts about about the liquid that I consider to be our national beverage. Well, either that or Jolt Cola.

It used to take a person one hour to milk six cows by hand. Today, a
person can milk 100 cows and a billy goat in an hour with modern
machines and a vivid imagination. In case you weren’t counting, it take about 340-350 squirts from Elsie to produce a gallon of milk. Cows drink between 25-50 gallons of water a day to produce milk, and even more if they play contact sports.

In the old days before TiVo, when people traveled and wanted milk,
they had to take their cows with them. Cows have an acute sense of
smell – they can smell something up to six miles away, particularly a
punchline. And as George Bernard Shaw once said, “You cannot have
power for good without having power for evil too. Even mother’s milk
nourishes murderers as well as heroes.”

Speaking of which, my favorite slogans for breast milk, “Latch on, nod
off. Breast milk. Never been recalled.”

The average American cow produces 6.2 gallons a day or about 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime. A cow’s udder can hold 25-50 pounds of milk. Utterly incredible. Most cows give more milk when they
listen to music, with their favorites being Soft Rock Hits of the 80′s
or anything by Todd Rundgren.

The natural yellow color of butter comes mainly from beta-carotene
found in the grass the cows graze on. And finally, as my mother or Aunt Bee from the “Andy Griffith Show” once proclaimed, “Opie, you
haven’t finished your milk. We can’t put it back in the cow, you know.”

For today’s photo escapade we are jetting up the coast to Davenport on the evening of May 2. There had been a beautful sunset that I had
missed earlier in the week, and after checking out the cloud cover at
around 5:30, I thought something special might be on the horizon. I
don’t shoot many sunsets in the spring so we’re talking bonus coverage
for this cyber experience.

By the time I gathered myself under the Monterey Cypress trees, those
early clouds had moved south, but as it turned out, we were still left
with a colorful display of May pagentry. I am rarely disappointed
whenever I turn on the TV or make a trip to the north coast and this
night was no exception.

On to some late night. “Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants. Let’s just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then
what?” –David Letterman

“President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just
went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his
car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.” –David Letterman “Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, ‘I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made
the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just
before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple
cider for dinner. Santorum woke up this morning and said, ‘I endorsed
who?’ “President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still
about hope and change. The president’s exact words were, ‘I hope I
won’t have to change my address.’” –Conan O’Brien

“And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of
the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated
that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as
President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?
Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin
Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he
lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second
term in a Batman costume.” –Bill Maher

“According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden’s compound
before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the
terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his
men were so depressed they wouldn’t commit suicide.” –Seth Meyers “In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom ‘Will &
Grace’ made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said
the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with
President Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of
course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not
where you get to fire people. President Obama hosts an early Cinco de
Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in. More than 330 million
shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It’s great –
now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.”
–Jimmy Fallon

That’s all she wrote for this week. Belated 60th birthday wishes go
out to my old friend Susan Hall, who celebrated her big day with cake,
ice cream and pony rides last Friday.

We’ll catch you amazing the baseball world by blasting four homers in
one game. Aloha, mahalo and later, Josh Hamilton fans.

Good morning and greetings, President Clinton fans. Well, time continues to fly like an eagle, as my Beyonce calendar says we’re into the merry, merry month of May. Or as the the Dalai Lama once told me, “Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.” I replied, “You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.” Then the Dali came back with, “Don’t sweat it, for today is tomorrow you worried about yesterday. So I got that going for me, which is good.

So April, much like my hopes of figuring out what we’re still trying to accomplish in Afghanistan, is now history, as another month has been filed into my memory and Tyra Banks.

Alas and Iraq, some rain fell during our fourth month, and one morning
I grabbed my camera and headed up to the Arboretum at UCSC to do a
little California dreaming. I love shooting the flowers when they’re moist, as it makes the experience more enjoyable than catching all the green lights.

Then either coincidentally, ironically or for you Spirit fans, Dr.
Sardonicusly, last Monday, when I decided to feature these flowery
photos in the first blast of the new month, the headline story written
by Cathy Kelly in the Santa Cruz Sentinel was about a memorial service
for the founding director of the Arboretum, Ray Collett, who passed away February 22 at the age of 79.

During my wonder years back in the 1960′s, Ray Collett took about 130
acres of empty pasture land and converted it into a horticultural
wonderland, which today is known for its collections of exotic plants
from Australia, New Zealand, Yankee Stadium and South Africa, as well
as some California beauties. We’re talking about a selection of plants
unmatched anywhere in the world, including my own Garden State of New Jersey.

Much like myself, Ray Collett was a visionary. This oasis of international beauty came about when a gentlemen from Hollister needed a home for his fine collection of eucalyptus trees and Hanukkah bushes.

Today, this lovely piece of real estate overlooking Monterey Bay is a
flowing canvas of space-age looking plants along with gangs of rabbits
and occupying hummingbirds. The current director, Brett Hall, says “The Arboretum is Ray’s Living Memorial.” I hope to be as lucky one day, or at least leave behind a few dandelions, a mulberry bush or a small patch of poison oak.

So what do we really know about flowers? Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said that “flowers are the stars of the earth.” They have been an important part of civilization since before cable. Much like my early modeling years, they have been worshipped for their beauty and grown wherever the grass was green. More importantly, they are given to loved ones to symbolize powerful emotions or when begging for forgiveness.

Like Chaz Bono, flowers can either be male or female. Male flowers
have a stamen that is coated with pollen, thus the derivation of the
words stamina. Hummingbirds, insects and tiny paratroopers fly from
flower to flower and become coated with pollen. The pollen is
eventually transported to a female flower by the pollinator through
various social networking techniques. Flowers use a variety of these
techniques to attract potential pollinators, including tasty nectar,
color displays and offering free websites.

Now here are a some things you may not or may not have wanted to know about flowers. Broccoli is a flower as well as a vegetable, which might explain why I love the beef and broccoli lunch special at Tam’s on
Mission Street. Scientists discovered the world’s oldest flower in 2002, in northeast China. The flower, named Archaefructus sinensis, bloomed around 125 million years ago, resembles a water lily and was found growing in a wheelchair.

According to Better Homes and Garden and Maxim magazine, the
scientific name for plants which produce flowers are called angiosperms, derived from the Greek word “angos” and “sperm” meaning “seed bearing”. The tulip, a symbol of life, love and immortality, actually dates back to the time of Confucius. And as Confucious says, man with one chopstick will go hungry.

And my laurel and hearty congratulations go out to the the Titan Arum.
Not only is it the world’s largest flower it is also the world’s smelliest. This fragrant native of the central Sumatran rainforests is known affectionately as the Corpse Flower for its heady perfume of rotting flesh. Which might lead to the question, “I love your perfume. Is that ten-day old pork chops?

Now to top it off, here are some of my favorite sayings about flowers.
“Earth laughs in flowers”-Ralph Waldo Emerson. “I’d rather have guns
and roses on my table than diamonds on my neck”-Emma Goldman.
Perfumes are the feelings of flowers”-Heinrich Heine.

“I hope some day to meet God, because I want to thank Him for the
flowers”-Robert Brault. “With a few flowers in my garden, half a dozen pictures, some books and a freezer full of Haagen-Dazs bars, I live without envy”- Lope de Vega. “Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them”-A Milne.

“We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved. I like flowers, I also like children, but I do not chop their heads and keep them in bowls of water around the house”-George Bernard Shaw. “At my age flowers scare me” -George Burns

On to the late night. “Now allegations are coming out that the Secret
Service were partying with strippers and hookers, not just in Colombia
but in El Salvador, Buenos Aires, Moscow. You got to hand it to these
guys. A lot of us look at the world and say, ‘F**k it.’ These people
actually do it.” –Bill Maher “A new campaign video by Barack Obama
implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he
had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his
car and taken him on vacation with him as well.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently
it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a cubic American. Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don’t, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land. New Rule: Let’s follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it’s worth. And we don’t need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner.” –Bill Maher

“So let me get this straight. Republicans, you’re annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President’s political ad. You
think he’s divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!” -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama’s Osama bin Laden ad

That’s our first journey into May. It was a good week on the whale watching front, as the humpbacks are traveling along the coast. Last Thursday there were three hanging in the kelp beds off of West Cliff less than 100 yards off shore. Always a pleasant way to start the day.

And I’m not a big fan of war, but a book written by prize-winning war
correspondent Dexter Filkins titled “The Forever War” is one you will
not want to put down. He was there for the rise of the Taliban in Afghanistan and when Saddam was toppled in Iraq. It is brutally honest, sad and compassionate. Just something to pick up if you’re looking to do some light reading. Dexter Filkins is simply outstanding and, like myself, incredibly courageous.

So it’s early May and soon to be 38-year-old Derek Jeter is hitting
.397 to go along with a league-leading 48 hits. Too bad he can’t
pitch. We’ll catch you shagging flies in the outfield. Aloha, mahalo
and later, Mariano Rivera fans.

Good morning and greetings, NBA playoff fans. That’s right, after a regular season schedule that was more compacted than my daughter’s makeup case, we have now entered the postseason. I don’t want to say that I’m excited, but I already have my clothes picked out for the “40 games in 40 nights.” And if you know me, you know that I dress for success. For NBA fans, the next six weeks are a stairway to hoops heaven. Or as Mark Twain once told me, “Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.”

So when watching basketball, snacks invariably enter the playoff picture. And that leads me to today’s subject and predicate. In a story by today.com’s Jillian Eugenios, Pizza Hut’s Middle Eastern arm has taken crust-stuffing soaring to a new junk food height by adding cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets to their pizza crusts. I know what you’re thinking, “What, no fries or chocolate shakes?”

They’re called the “Crown Crust Cheese Burger” pizza and the “Crown Crust Chicken Filet” pizzas because of their shape, royalty and just pure audacity. Fortunately for Americans and their cardiologists, these cholesterol busters are only available in the Middle East and selected desert oasis.

This gorging, ground breaking event is similar to another pizza the company recently launched in England, which features a giant hot dog threaded through the crust along with tiny bits of the Beatle’s “Abbey Road” album. My thought is, who’s thinking up these concepts, what did his or her parents do to them as a child that sent them down this long and winding caloric road?

The Crown Crust, which is not to be confused with the Ford Crown Victoria, comes with either cheesburgers or chicken “gems” set outside the outside of the pie, which is in line with the separation of church and steak.

Pizza Hut Middle East announced the promotion last week on their Facebook page and in Mad magazine. Now here comes the best part. Their slogans were “Can’t decide on burger or pizza? Believe it or not you can have both!” A slice and a coronary. They referred to their pizza creations as the “gem of all pizzas,” and suggested that their customers can now “taste royalty.” Maybe you can’t be a king but you can have the cholesterol and clogged arteries of one.

This isn’t the first time that Pizza Hut Middle East has dabbled in unique culinary territory. The Crown Crust joins a pizza called the Cheesy Bites Remix on Pizza Hut Middle East menus, which is a regular pizza with cheesy pockets around the outside. What, just cheese? Forget about it. Now, if you fill those pockets with beef stroganoff, chicken pot pie or sweet and sour shrimp, now you’ve got me interested.

The Cheesy Bites Remix pockets were once only filled with mozzarella, cream cheese and miracles, but the remix variety offers “three times the fun,” which includes spicy Mexican seasoning, cream cheese and sesame, and mozzarella and parmesan. Who knew pizza could be this entertaining?

Well, Americans do, as business is booming, with 41% of Americans saying they eat pizza once a week compared to just 26% two years ago. I guess it’s all about eating, laughing and sharing a slice of life.

Fortunately for bedouins and their camels, the Crown Crust Pizza is just a limited time offering, and will come off the market as soon as there’s peace in the middle east. But the super chefs at Pizza Hut have been busy, offering cheese-stuffed crusts with cornflakes in Malaysia and a Fish Prawn King pizza, which comes topped with Alaskan Pollock fish fingers, King Prawns, Queen Latifah, mozzarella cheese, pineapple with a lime mayo sauce and a free goldfish.

But America is also doing its part in the world of bizarre fast food concoctions, with with Doritos Locos Tacos, Burger King’s bacon sundae and the infamous KFC Double Down, where the Colonel uses two pieces of juicy, boneless white meat chicken filets as bread. Throw in two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese and the Colonel’s Sauce and you’ve got something that’s finger lickin’ unbelievable. This baby is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun, paramedic or vegan healer.

Burger King has also rolled out a bacon ice cream sundae that is not quite what Michelle Obama had up her sleeves. That’s right, we’re talking an actual slice of kosher bacon on top of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and caramel. That sound you hear is my arteries crying.

And not to be left out of the party, last year Denny’s rolled out a bacon maple sundae, while more recently, Jack in the Box added a bacon-flavored milkshake. The last sound you heard was my rabbi screaming.

Now let’s finish up by thinking outside the bun. Taco Bell’s newest item, Doritos Locos Tacos, which the company launched nationwide last Wednesday, has taco shells made out of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Yes, you read correctly. This could be the cure for the common meal and insanity.

This is Taco Bell’s biggest product launch in its 50-year history, as they plan to spend up to $75 million to advertise the new tacos, about three times more than it usually spends to promote new health food items. But hold on to your pacemakers, as there’s even more good news, as they will be introducing a Doritos Cool Ranch taco shell this fall. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to make a mad dash to the border right now.

For today’s photo escalade, we are featuring my favorite sunrise from the month of April. The year was 2009, the place was Steamer’s Lane, and as you can see from photo #1, this sunrise started strong. What made this morning even more interesting was that it was my brother Brad’s 50th birthday and the 15th for my Regents Scholar winning, UC Santa Barbara Honors Program bound son Jason. The early clouds were just fantabulous, and this sunrise, much like candidate Obama in 2008, came out of nowhere, as there hadn’t been any color or diamonds in the sky for months.

Let’s move on to some late night humor. “Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something. “Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors.” –Bill Maher

“One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin’s detail in 2008 when he was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook — apparently he had a little crush on her — of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, ‘I’m checking her out.’ Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign. “Of course Sarah Palin has to answer this. Today she said, you know what, people are always checking me out. She said, ‘I can’t count the number of times when I’m walking away, and I hear someone say, ‘What an ass.’” –Bill Maher

“One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I’m thinking, now wait a minute. I’ve got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars. These are jobs that should’ve gone to American hookers.” –David Letterman “Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he’s no longer attacking the poor because he is one.” –Jay Leno “Newt Gingrich still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?” –Bill Maher

“Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free. Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, ‘I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.’” –Conan O’Brien

So that’s our last gasp for April. Despite the devastating loss of Chicago’s Derrick Rose, enjoy the first round of the NBA playoffs and we’ll catch you being the top sixth man in the league. Aloha, mahalo and later, James Harden fans.

Good morning and greetings, warm weather fans. Well, it must be springtime, as temperatures skyrocketed last week here on the central coast. After a moist March and early April, the skies have turned Carolina blue, and this warming trend can only mean one thing. Yes, it’s a perfect time for the NBA playoffs and to go fishing.

According to a story by outdoor writer Tom Stienstra of the San Francisco Chronicle, “mid-April to late June promises to be a magical time in Northern California,” unless, of course you’re a Golden State Warrior fan. After seven weeks of on and off rain, my sinuses and hundreds of lakes are settling and clearing as the wonderful world of boating, rainbow trout fishing, and my personal favorite, synchronized swimming come to life.

The key for these activities is water temperature and how I look in a one piece bathing suit. When the lake’s water temperature lies in the 58-to-70-degree range, bass, trout, tuna, catfish, dogfish, bluegill and Vince Gill become active and want to get their mojo on, meaning they’re hungry, and this willl provide the best fishing of the year. And you know what they say, a bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work.

On the local front, the fishing has been great here in Monterey Bay, as the salmon have been as plentiful as TV dramas lined up on my TiVo screen. Although conditions have been somewhat unpredictable, boats have been going out and anglers are coming home with fresh king salmon, along with pink rice pilaf and avocado puree. That’s called trolling with an imagination. Or as Oprah or Charles Hass once said, “Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. But teach a man how to fish and he’ll be dead from mercury poisoning inside of three years.”

And that leads me into today’s torrid topic. In a story by Mio Coxon written for Reuters.com, for more than sixty years, Tokyo has been the province for a small band of strictly regulated and licensed chefs, who slice and dice blowfish while working in exclusive restaurants like Joi Ito, Red Lobster, and Konnichiwaschnitzel.

But hold on a moment, Benihana fans. Starting in October, new laws are coming into effect that are going to make the preparation of blowfish seem like the wild, wild west, as resturants without licensed chefs will have a shot at serving these poisonous puffers.

These new laws are driving the licensed chefs crazy, as they have spent time and money learning how to prepare the poisonous blowfish for their customers, and now with the new rules, any Tom, Dick or Hiroki can handle them without a license. And we’re talking about a fish that’s more poisonous than Facebook.

Blowfish, much like Twinkies or Hostess Cupcakes in America, are considered a delicacy in Japan. A poison known as tetrododoxin is found in parts of the blowfish, including the liver, heart, Ann and Nancy Wilson, intestines and eyes, ears, nose and throat. It is so intense that a tiny amount will kill the average sushi lover. It’s more deadly than cyanide, Rush Limbaugh or the Koch Brothers.

Every year there are reports of people dying after preparing blowfish or fish sticks at home. The Tokyo Metropolitan Government says city laws covering the serving of blowfish should be changed to reflect changing times and hope that relaxing the rules will cut prices and bring Tokyo in line with the rest of the Land of the Rising Sun. The hope is that blowfish as an ingredient will be used not only for traditional Japanese foods but others such as Chinese (sweet and sour blowfish) and Western foods (spaghetti and blowfish balls.)

A full course meal of blowfish features delicacies such as blowfish tempura, slices of raw fish thin enough to see through fanned out across a plate like chrysanthemum petals, toasted fins in cups of hot sake along with a cup of jello jigglers for dessert. But the meal is far from cheap, as diners pay for the safety of a licensed chef. A dinner costs at least 10,000 yen ($120) a person, not including tip or the cost of an ambulance waiting outside.

Now here’s where it gets interesting. Some thrill seeking diners are reputed to seek out chefs who leave just enough of the poison to make the lips tingle. Blowfish professionals scoff at this as urban legend, noting that ingesting even that much of the poison would be extremely hazardous. Personally, I prefer my poison on the side. Or as Lady Nancy Astor once said to Winston Churchill, “If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.” Replied Winston, “Lady, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.”

Much like writing a weekly unpaid blog, preparing and cooking the blowfish is an art form that requires technique and skills. And unlike my posts, that’s why people pay good money for it. Because of Master Chef Naohito Hashimoto’s years of training, it takes him just two minutes to gut a blowfish, which is about the same amount of time it takes me to remember what font I’m supposed to be writing in. The chef says there is no substitute for this kind of experience and that “I don’t want people to forget that you can actually die from eating blowfish, because that really cuts down on the tip.”

For today’s photo hot plate, we are heading up to the cliffs above Davenport for a late March sunset. I thought this night had some colorful potential, so I took the nine-mile drive up the coast to be one with the Monterey Cypress trees. Unfortunately, the colors didn’t pan out the way I had hoped, but just being at this location with the wind blowing and the sea birds cruising by is always a hat trick and a treat.

On to the late night. “President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.” –Jay Leno

“Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.” –Conan O’Brien “Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn’t have one, he dropped out.” –Jay Leno

“Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces. The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents’ defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, ‘Unplug me.’” –Jimmy Fallon “Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it.” –Jay Leno

So another week is in the e-books. We’ll catch you passing the Big O, Oscar Robertson and moving into fifth place among the all-time career assist leaders. Aloha, mahalo and later, Steve Nash fans.

Good morning and greetings, April shower fans. After a winter that was drier than Steven Wright’s sense of humor, (“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance,”) a thunderstorm blew into the Bay Area Thursday night that was one for the record books, as it shattered rainfall records and CD’s for the day in San Francisco, Oakland, San Jose and New Jack City.

The evening’s festivities produced more lightning balls and strikes than any storm in recent years, as the National Weather Service counted 750 lightning strikes up and down the coast between 8 p.m. and midnight. It was reminiscent of Lou Christie’s 1966 smash hit, “Lightning is striking again and again and again and again.” I loved those lyrics, although the first time I heard them I thought the record was skipping.

We had some rain showers earlier in the week that brought billowing clouds and beautful light to the morning sky. It was particularly pleasant on Wednesday morning, as I was walking along West Cliff Drive thinking, “Boy, I wish I had brought my camera with me.” That’s right, even though it’s 2012, I still roll camera-free.

It was a low tide morning, and much like my silver hair, there was a lovely glitter and shine to the Pacific waters reflecting off the massive thunderclouds above. So to make up for this faux pas of not capturing the morning’s magnificence, I decided to head up to Four Mile beach, as I knew if the tide were out, there’d be mucho photo opportunities up on the North Coast.

Unfortunately, when I arrived at 9:30, all the major clouds had disappeared from the sky, so those reflection shots I was looking for were as over as Rick Santorum’s presidential bid. I guess when you compare homosexualtiy to beastiality and state that “Contraception is not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be,” you’re going to have a little trouble getting the mainstream behind you, for as we know, life is not a Tea Party. Or in the words of Steven Wright, “For my birthday I got a humidifier and de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

I’ve always been extremely fond of the Four Mile of beaches. It’s less than a five minute drive from my westside abode, and I’m never disappointed when I hit the path to the beach and see the gulls lined up like like bowling pins with wings. Or as Steve Wright put it, “I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”

As I hit the sand, I immediately came upon a very rare sight, as a great blue heron was swimming upstream in the creek that leads into Billy Ocean. Much to my dismay and June, I was not able to photograph this beautiful bird, as it took off and flew away faster than my hopes and dreams of someday returning to runway modeling. Or as Steven Wright might have said, “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

So I headed out toward the area of beach that was normally covered by the blue Pacific. The sand was strewn with brown and green sea grass and the rocks covered with barnacles along with sea stars, sea anenomes and friends. There were also a number of surreal looking jellyfish (photo #6) lounging in the sand. Throw in some linguini, clams, and a snowy egret and I was a fairly happy camper.

There were a few surfers in the water, but the rest of the beach was deserted, except for the gulls, who were considerate enough to put on a small aerial display. I will continue to journey up to the North Coast throughout the spring, as there are so many beaches to be photographed and I’m lonely. Or from Steven Wright’s perspective, “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

On another weather note, last Wednesday, a freak afternoon thunderstorm in Amarillo, Texas dumped one to two inches of matzo-ball-sized hail in a two-hour period that buried cars and trapped motorists and Cowboy cheerleaders in muddy drifts that were waist-to-shoulder high. It was quite an unusual event, even for the Lone Star State. It reminded me of the old George Carlin line, “There was a freak accident on the San Diego Freeway today as six freaks in a van hit two freaks in a Volkswagen.”

On to some late night humor. “Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll – or, as the Republicans call it, ‘President Obama’s Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.’” –Jay Leno “Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Romney would’ve gone surfing, but you know, he hates standing for something. Mitt Romney has spent $53 million on ads, and Rick Santorum has spent $9 million. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich drew a poster with his name on it and showed up in the background of the ‘Today’ show.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The earth’s population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can’t find one candidate they really like. “Rick Santorum’s campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.” –Jay Leno “Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants airport security workers to be nicer to foreigners. Could we be any nicer? They cross our borders whenever they want, they get jobs, they get bargain college tuition, we give them driver’s licenses, we never ask them to leave. How much nicer can we be?” –Jay Leno “Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it’s time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels.” –Jimmy Kimmel

So that’s our mid-April report. We had some more severe weather over the weekend, as violent storm cells spawned killer tornadoes that blew threw the midwest, bringing torrential rain and ping pong-ball-sized hail. Meanwhile, the extreme five-year drought continues to haunt farmers in Georgia. The weather in this country is wackier than the North Korean rocket program.

We’ll catch you playing tremendous defense and being the steal of the draft. Aloha, mahalo and later, Iman Shumpert fans.

Good morning and greetings, opening day fans. April has always been a big month on my family’s birthday front, as both my son and youngest brother share the April 7 experience. And coming up this Thursday, my father, Daniel Gilbert, the partriarch of the tribe, celebrates his 95th birthday. Unbelievable, Batman.

95. That’s a remarkable number. We are talking about 1,140 months, 4,940 weeks, 34,675 days, 832,200 hours, 49,932,000 minutes or 3,995,920,000 seconds, or about the same amount of time it took for “Mad Men” to return to AMC for its fifth season.

My father was born in 1917, a year that falls somewhere between the invention of the telephone, automobile, vacuum cleaner and the neapolitan ice cream sandwich. Growing up in Brooklyn, New York, he lived through the Great Depression of 1929, the depression brought on when the Dodgers left town and the super depression of being a long-time New York Knick and Giant’s fan.

Forget Dick Cheney’s little waterboarding fetish. You don’t know real suffering unless you watched the Giants dominate the statistics yet find themselves vulnerable to coming up losers on the last possession of the game. Yes, I do realize the Giants were Super Bowl champions this year, but it’s too easy to look back upon the positive as the negative is so much darker and exciting.

My father graduated from Columbia University and Brooklyn Law School. He went into the army and was part of the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), which was a wartime intelligence agency that was a predecessor of the CIA. It was formed to coordinate espionage activities behind enemy lines, and his unit’s assignment was to crack German intelligence codes and to figure out why BMW’s were called the ultimate driving machine. He was part of the allied liberation of Paris, when the Americans came in and banned Paris Hilton from releasing any more sex tapes.

The formulation of me began in 1950, when my parents met and after three dates were engaged, and three months later were married. I’ve had stomach aches that lasted longer than their courtship which might explain why I rushed into marriage after nine years of dating.

In 1958, they started Hooks Lane Nursery School, which grew into 100 happy children a day romping around the grounds of our home in Fort Lee, New Jersey. This gig had my father ferrying the children to frolic and play at places like the Bronx Zoo, Staten Island Ferry and various parks around the Garden State. The best part was, besides the nurturing of the children, was that the day ended at 3:30 during the school year and 1 pm in the summer. Now that’s what I call a full day of work.

My father played baseball at Columbia and was a four wall handball champion. He passed the sports gene down to all three sons, as the DNA was particularly strong in the hoops department, as we grew up with chromosomes packed with the basketball jones and seven layer chocolate cake.

I remember the first time my father took me to a game at Yankee Stadium (my brother Paul spent the afternoon collecting peanut shells) and my first basketball game at Madison Square Garden. He took me out for a chocolate milk shake after I pitched my first little league win and was always there for my high school basketball games. Unfortunately, he did not attend the National Honor Society Awards ceremony as I wasn’t selected for any honors.

I remember in the early years watching classic sitcoms with my father like “The Honeymooners” and “Sargeant Bilko,” so I guess I know where my sense of humor originated from. I’m not sure if he encouraged our devotion to “The Three Stooges,” but he still has a pretty good sense of humor, particularly if there are any younger women in the vicinity. And at 95, pretty much everyone is younger. In the words of Shemp Howard after hearing a beautiful blonde utter, “I’m his niece,” replied Shemp, “Ooo, the niece is nice,”

By the way, the new “The Three Stooges” movie opens up this Friday. If you like slapstick violence, this is a film not to be missed. Or as former first lady Nancy Reagan would say, “Just say Moe.”

My father once uttered the classic statement, “If cream cheese were declared illegal, I would stop eating it tomorrow.” He was on the cutting edge of technology, as when he came out with the line, “Why do we need color televison, black and white is fine.” I guess that’s why I don’t use a cell phone but wear my garage door opener on my belt loop.

So my Dad’s going to be 95, and I wanted to give him a shout out before he hits the century mark. He still loves telling my mother how gorgeous she is despite not “having gotten a kiss all day.” For decades of making pancakes for breakfast and continued acts of bravery in marriage, Congress will be rewarding my mother the Silver Star, the Bronze Medal and the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

In his later years before dementia took some of him away, my father would always tell me how proud he was of me. Even though I wasn’t setting the world on fire at the time, I took his words to heart, and they still resonate in my head today. I see a lot of myself in him. Thanks, Dad, and I hope I’ve repayed you by being the man and the father you would have wanted me to be.

For today’s photo fun we are heading down to Lighthouse Point and Its Beach to take in a beautiful late January sunrise. As I’ve mentioned before a few million times, moments like this really do it for me as a landscape photographer. Well, that and the thought of NBA playoff tripleheaders that are on the way.

On to some late night. “A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” –Jimmy Fallon “Yesterday Joe Biden thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper. Biden apologized and said he meant no disre-sprite.” –Conan O’Brien”This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court.” –Bill Maher

“Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 — about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare. “Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he’s in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” –Jay Leno “Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday’s primary. He won in Wisconsin.Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese.” –Jay Leno

So that’s our first blast for the new baseball season. Slightly belated birthday wishes go out to my webmaster, chess grandmaster and lover of all forms of chow fun, Kevin Deutsch, who celebrated his big day on Sunday.

We’ll catch you posterizing opponents and throwing down vicious dunks like no one else. Aloha, mahalo and later, Blake Griffin fans.

Good morning and greetings, Final Four fans. Tonight the NCAA will crown its national basketball champion, as the soon-to-be millionaires from the University of Kentucky take on the Kansas Jayhawks.

As a young point guard growing up in New Jersey, I would lay in bed at night listening to the play-by-play of the Kentucky Wildcats games on my radio. Even though the bluegrass state was close to 600 miles away, the reception was as clear as Rick Santorum’s views on abortion, same sex marriage and Whoopi Goldberg joining the cast of Fox’s “Glee” for a multi-episode arc.

When my family would go on road trips, my father liked to play “College Bowl” in the car, which was a quiz show that broadcast in the 1960′s. Two four-member teams from different universities would compete by buzzing in and answering toss up questions before moving on to the bonus round. My father would ask what college I wanted to be and I would invariably choose between Kentucky, Princeton or Faber.

Fortunately, both my brothers were still younger than me at the time, so the competition wasn’t all that stiff. Still, my father would always try to stump me with a math question like, “If an electric train is traveling 80 MPH and it needs to cross three time zones to reach its destination by 3 p.m., what did the engineer have for breakfast?”

The reason I bring this up is that March Madness is about more than who will be cutting down the nets tonight in New Orleans. This month is also synonymous with colleges sending out acceptance and rejection letters to high school students, who are trying to figure out where, after living at home for their wonder years, they will be residing for the next four. Since our son Jason is a senior, I’ve had a bird-eye view of this process that gently lures our children away from us and puts them on the college dining hall food plan.

In the fall it was application city, as Jason wrote enough essays to put together another Book of Psalms. When it was time for me to leave my parent’s abode, (back before there was history) I applied to three colleges, Northwestern, Syracuse and American University. I was accepted at all three, and since I could drive to Syracuse but had to fly to attend Northwestern, I chose the lovely confines of the cloud belt of New York State.

Unfortunately, I didn’t read in the fine print that it would go from winter to summer with no spring in my sophomore year, an event that led me on my manifest destiny to this cold water paradise called Santa Cruz. Turns out Syracuse was an old Indian word meaning “where the sky never stays blue very long” and since I was only going to be an undergraduate for seven years, I wanted to get an education somewhere that would leave me with a degree and a tan.

But let’s get back to my first born. After my son finished writing essays like “Tell us about your allergies, dreams and aspirations, why your future roomate won’t hate you and if you were a college course, what would you be?,” he then went into a hibernation period from the college dream while waiting to experience the joy and disappointments. At this point, some of the dreams are still alive, as to paraphrase Foreigner, “I’ve been waiting for a school like you to come into my life.”

The college acceptance rate is as nutty as a holiday fruitcake, as there are way too many qualified applicants who all want to go to the same place. When 38,000 applicants apply for 2,400 spots, there is something wacky with the system. Seems everyone wants to go to the same place. I don’t want to say what these places are, but they rhyme with Harvard and Stanford.

So who gets in and who gets rejected is as random as it gets, and even if you wish upon a star, your dreams always don’t come true. As of this writing, we don’t know exactly where our first born is headed, but we know it’s in the right direction in a golden state. But wherever he goes he’ll do just fine, as he will shine like Bruce Willis’ dome on a sunny day. I’m just going to miss seeing the light show.

Speaking of light, for today’s photo entree we are serving up the second half of the February 2 experience. Last week we observed the lovely morning’s activities, so today we are heading out to Natural Bridges to witness the second half of the daily double sunrise/sunset extravaganza.

The first four shots were taken at my favorite state park at the end of West Cliff Drive, before I headed south and photographed the color disappearing over the Pacific. The evening had a bit of a golden glow to it, and anytime I shoot the sunrise and sunset in the same day I always sleep a little better at night. That is, except for those endless trips to the bathroom. Gee, I love getting older.

On to the late night. “Rumors now that Mitt Romney might pick Rick Santorum for his VP running mate. But Rick is dubious. He thinks two guys on the same ticket might be gay.” –David Letterman “The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, ‘There’s no way I’m letting the government make me go on a man date.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum calls himself the only true conservative in the race. He is so conservative he thinks Levitra is a pill that helps you throw a football through a tire swing. He is so conservative, he won’t even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That’s how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, ‘So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Conan O’Brien “Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a ‘clown show.’ That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.” –Jimmy Fallon “Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he’s been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison.” –Jay Leno

So that’s our first pass for April. Birthday wishes go out on Saturday to my college-bound son, Jason, who turns 18 and is chomping at the bit to vote. I can’t imagine having a better son, and if I were any prouder of the young man he’s grown into I would burst like a ruptured appendix.

Also popping out of the womb on April 7 was my snow boarding brother, Brad, who’s taking off on Saturday for some heli-snowboarding in Alaska. I would love to have joined him swooshing down those icy glacial slopes, but my rabbi wouldn’t sign my permission slip.

So enjoy tonight’s championship game. I hope some of you tuned in to the UConn-Notre Dame women’s semi-final game on Saturday as it was a classic. We’ll catch you burying threes, dominating the glass and putting up MVP numbers. Aloha, mahalo and later, Kevin Love fans.

Good morning and greetings, global warming fans. Growing up as a child of the 60′s, one of my favorite albums was ‘The Chicago Transit Authority,’ which featured the classic hit, ‘Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?’ Well, recently in the Windy City, people have been asking the question, “Does anybody know how hot it is?” as they’ve been breaking temperature records faster than I can come up with clever metaphors.

For eight straight days, President Obama’s old stomping grounds recorded record high temperature marks going back to 1872, right around the birth of John McCain’s babysitter. This heat wave was as historic and unprecendented as the first time Michelle went sleeveless in public, as the mercury topped 80 degrees each day.

The National Weather Service said these conditions were extraordinarily rare, which is the way I like my cheeseburgers, for climate locations to break records like this day after day after day. But as the lead vocalist from Chicago remarked when asked about this phenomena, this was “Only the beginning, only just the start.” When Bachman-Turmer Overdrive was later asked to comment, they said “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

So what in the wide, wide, world of sports is going on with the atmosphere? Why were the east, south and midwest having summer weather in March? What is this unprecedented event involving the earth saying to us? And most importantly, will “Southland” be picked up for another season by TNT and why wasn’t anyone watching the recently cancelled horse-racing drama ‘Luck’ on HBO? On that sad note, 26 horses die each week at racetracks around America.

This heat wave, which has been burning in my heart and tearing me apart, has blown the minds and clothing selections of many Americans who are still usually digging out of the snow at this time of year. We’re talking about one of the most extreme heat events since LeBron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh teamed up for the big decision in Miami.

Looking at the weather map, it’s been the warmest March on record in seven states. International Falls, Minnesota, which is fondly known as the ‘Ice Box of the Nation,’ topped out at 79 degrees last week, shattering their warmest temperature record in March by 42 degrees. At the same time Minneapolis and Boston set more records than early Celtic championship teams. It’s not supposed to be warmer in Bismark, North Dakota than in Yuma, Arizona. Much like us still being in Afghanistan for more than a decade, you’ve just got to shake your head and wonder why we’re in this warming pattern.

So why the summer-like conditions? According to Weather Channel meterologists and Tipper Gore, a stubborn high pressure system had been stuck over the eastern two-thirds of the nation, forming a blocking pattern that brought more heat than a Mexican drug cartel barbecue.

While natural factors contributed to this stretch of high temperatures, if you think about the extreme weather events of recent years, there is a high probability that global warming is having an influence upon these events. Just don’t tell Ricky Santorum. Now until we reduce the emissions of industrial carbon pollution or the Golden State Warriors make the playoffs, these extreme weather conditions and the fan’s booing are only going to get worse.

Moving along, for our final photo foray for the month, we are heading back to the morning of February 2, where I took in the early sights and sounds at Lighthouse Point and various locations along West Cliff Drive. I later fulfilled my manifest destiny by shooting the glorious sunset that night, which would then give this day daily double status, a place that holds a certain fondness in my digital heart and colon.

On to a little late night. “Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department.” –Conan O’Brien “John McCain’s daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I’m just glad John’s not alive to see this.” –David Letterman
“This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: ‘Cover-Your-Face Book.’ “Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection. Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.” –Jimmy Fallon

So although it says spring on the calendar it was definitely chilly and even a little Peru on the morning walks on West Cliff. And as a followup up to last week’s post about bald eagles in Santa Cruz, another pair were spotted nesting on the San Francisco Peninsula for the first time in nearly a century.

Then a report came in from field scout Kevin Deutsch, who spotted a golden eagle tearing apart a small rodent last week up at UCSC. Ironically, as a golden eagle was spotted in Santa Cruz, the Marquette Golden Eagles were being knocked out of the NCAA tournament by Florida. Ponder that for a moment, Kentucky fans.

So enjoy next weekend’s Final Four action and we’ll catch you tear dropping in the lane and having your best season ever. Aloha, mahalo and later, Tony Parker fans.

Good morning and greetings, last day of winter fans. On my morning jaunts along West Cliff Drive, one of the constants is the fly-by action along the coast. I’ve been into the Byrds since the early years of David Crosby and their 60′s psychedelic classic, ‘Eight Miles High.’ In a classic quote by frontman Roger McGuinn to bandmate Gene Clark who refused get on a plane, “If you can’t fly, you can’t be a Byrd.”

So when I saw this story last week written by Donna Jones in the Santa Cruz Sentinel, I knew I had to fly with it. Or as the Space Cowboy himself, Steve Miller, said, “I want to fly like an eagle, to the sea, fly like an eagle, let my spirit carry me.” Of course, this health nut was also “a smoker, a joker and a midnight toker” who spoke of the “pompetous of love,” which has never truly been defined.

So for perhaps the first time since tourists came over the hill from San Jose on horseback, a pair of bald eagles are making plans to call Santa Cruz their home.
Despite the high cost of housing in the county, they are building a large nest near the top of a eucalyptus tree in a grove near Pinto Lake County Park.

Eagles almost disappeared from California due to the toxic effects of DDT, the pesticide that caused egg shell thinning that lead to unsuccessful hatching. According to my DDS, by the time DDT was banned in 1972, which had gotten into their DNA, fewer than 30 nesting pairs remained in the state, which registered as a DNP on my stat sheet.

In 1967, the bald eagle was designated as an endangered species by federal authorities and the Hair Club for Men. California added it to its endangered list in 1971. The state Department of Fish and Game say that bald eagles are sober and recovering, and nesting pairs have been found in 41 of California’s 58 counties. Happy couples have nested in Santa Clara, San Benito and Monterey counties, but none have been known to take up residence in our cold water paradise by the sea.

Despite their growing numbers, the eagles remain on the state’s endangered list, and are federally protected. Word is spreading like wildfire that these eagles have signed a one year lease. When I think about these national treasures, I get a peaceful, easy feeling, and one of these nights, one of these crazy old nights, I may just be out there at Pinto Lake, although I can’t tell you why. That’s just life in the fast lane.

So here are some fun facts about our follicle-deprived friends from the good people at www.baldeagleinfo.com and nationalgeographic.com. Bald eagles live 30-35 years and sit at the top of the food chain, which from my perspective, is the best place to be. They eat mainly lightly sauteed fish, but also ducks, geese, snakes, Hollywood agents, small mammals, rodents, weasels, actors along with having a sweet tooth for road kill consisting of dead and decaying flesh.

LensCrafters reports that eagle’s eyesight is five times sharper than humans. Soaring at 10,000 feet, they can spot a fish or a bargain almost a mile away. They then swoop down at 100 miles an hour, snatch their lunch with their razor sharp talons while holding their prey and tearing the flesh with their beaks, which is the same method I use with Snow Crab Legs. It’s one of the most awesome sights in nature and at all-you-can-eat Chinese sea food buffets.

Bald eagles reach their sexual maturity at around four or five years of age. Unlike 50% of American couples, once paired, eagles remain together until one dies or runs off with the nanny, secretary or a mother from their offspring’s soccer team.

The baldest of eagles became the national symbol in 1782, around the birth of John McCain’s parents. Ben Franklin, who invented bifocals, the odometer and the thighmaster, was against the eagle’s nomination because of their habit of stealing the kills of other animals. About half of the world’s 70,000 bald eagles live in Alaska, because of the salmon and no state income tax. And that leads us into today’s photo extravaganza.

For our eagle coverage, we are bringing back one of our heavy hitters, photographer Judy Bingman, who traveled up to Haines, Alaska to capture the magnificence of our national symbol. Judy explained that each year, 3,000 to 5,000 eagles gather in the trees above the ice cold and crystal clear Chilkoot River to pick off the salmon as they head upstream to spawn and die, which has always been a dream of mine.

Eagles are a member of the Accipitridae family, which also includes vultures, hawks and turtle doves. So to make sure Judy didn’t get all the photographic attention today, I’ve included a red shouldered hawk I photographed at Antonelli’s Pond on the west side of Santa Cruz.

We then head to Big Sky country, to check out a couple of Artic wolves and a dancing bobcat. These animals had been hand raised in Kalispel, Montana and Judy went there to update them on the effects of global warming.

My friend Judy is a wild woman, and unlike myself, who’s content to shoot a couple of sunrises and watch basketball until my eyes bleed, she’s loves the photographic adventure. This week she is heading north of Fairbanks, Alaska to photograph the wonder of the aurora borealis. Then in June she’s journeying to Iceland to do some landscape shooting and play with the volcano.

And then to top it off, in August, she’s swimming to St. Paul Island, which is off the coast of Alaska in the middle of the Bering Sea to shoot puffins and other sea birds. I really wanted to join Judy on this trip but I decided to instead go to Safeway to photograph muffins and other selected pastries.

To check out Judy”s artistry, go to www.judybingmanphotography.blogspot.com. Or if you’re downtown on the mall in Santa Cruz, head over to Pacific Thai on Pacific Avenue to check out her work. All this from a woman who hummingbirds refer to as the queen of pad see ew.

On to the late night. “Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign, saying ‘I’m the tortoise. I take it one step at a time. Also, if you roll me onto my back I can never get up.’” –Seth Meyers “This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.” –Conan O’Brien

“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. “Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is ‘legal’ doesn’t mean we should do it. That’s the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza.” –Craig Ferguson

“They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers. President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game.” –Jay Leno

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“Not a good week for Rush Limbaugh either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish out bin Laden and shoot him all over again.” –Jay Leno “Rush Limbaugh was at one of the games at Dayton, Ohio, tonight. He brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It’s part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here, and then in July the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

So that’s our last blast for the winter season, as according to my Justin Bieber calender, it says that the vernal equinox hits on Tuesday. I hope you caught some of college basketball’s March Madness last week, as it was Lehigh fantastic. We’ll catch you slashing to the hoop and crashing your moped. Aloha, mahalo and later, Monta Ellis fans.